Fall left so quickly this year. I look up and Christmas is coming, and snow flew around the windows yesterday. I went underground this Autumn. Just lots going on and I felt a bit surly, in general. Seem to coming out of it into our season of lights.

Because of budget reasons, my consulting job ended Oct. 31. So I am independently unemployed. I had hoped to believe in the illusion of continuity this winter, but it looks like that will not be the case. But I am among the fortunate few. I tend to plan for these things and after some initial apprehension (and severe chest pains - seems I have high blood pressure ;-) I am settling into enjoying the free time.  ALMOST finished with my roof. Just need to run the caps on the peak. I should be up there today but frankly don’t feel like it. I like moving at my own pace for a change.

I also refinished the living room floor and am putting up a fireplace. Pics will follow when finished. I hope to light it this week. So I am trying to be slightly productive with my time off.

Spent Thanksgiving in Nashville with my Cousin Valerie. Just a nice, low keyed time. Lots of walking and catching up. Hard to believe I have not been there in 15 years. The city seems to be booming and built up everywhere. Got to drive past a few of the places I lived while there 20 years ago. All the ghosts from those times are friendly now and it was just fun to see my old haunts. Got to visit with a friend and was just amazed how comfortable and familiar her house is, even with the years and changes between.

I tend to sink into myself for too long of time and try to navigate my troubled waters alone. But sitting and talking to loved ones really makes me think about the bridges we build for and too each other, and how much we really should use them both ways.  So many different bridges: the ones we build, repair and trust, the ones we burn out of anger, anguish and fear.

One of the things Val did was take me on multi-hour doggie death marches with her dog Dora and the neighbor’s hound. My hips are killing me! But I have been keeping it up and the walking feels wonderful.

We think we are cruising along with plans we have made on open roads, but the sudden shifts and surprises that land us in a ditch may be really what change us.

Today, on this 40+-degree, blue sky day - the first day of December, I came across an injured doe along the road. She had either been clipped by a car, or hurt herself coming off a very steep hill. She was laying in a cold water ditch, in the shadow of the hill. She was alert, but too tired or in shock to move as I approached her.

I walked a bit farther down to get some reception on the cell phone. I called the State Police to come and shoot it. The thought “Put her out of her misery is the humane thing to do.” or “Destroy it” came up. I thought about making that call. Should I just let her die on her own “as nature intends”? Being hit by a car doesn’t really seem like “natural causes” to me.

 Does being aware as a human drive us to want to act in these situations? Is it mercy for the animal, or is it the guilt of our species for her being hit by a car and left to die and the frustration of being helpless to do anything except speed up the end of her life?

I waited for the troopers for a bit, in hopes I could point them to her. While I waited she dulled even more and lay her head down, blinking, fading becoming more numb. Do we stand witness to death to easy the passing of the dying, or to easy our fear that we will die alone and un-witnessed? Or do we flee to avoid dealing with the inevitable. I waited a bit longer. And then walked on – undecided. Whether she gets a bullet to the head or dies on her own. She will be dead today.

And does our life really make a difference? Life goes on for the living, with or without us. Does it matter that we are here or had passed this way at all? To ourselves, we certainly exist, and in context with each other we have meaning. I just don’t know. I do know that we are, in fact, here now.

Perhaps that is the only answer to making our lives worthwhile and be the legacy we will leave – the bridges we build with each other while we are alive.

gm